Today I want to share with you the deep secrets of the male bathroom. There is a strict etiquette, and it doesn’t matter from what country you come from, if you are a male you are to abide these rules at the urinal:
Rule #1 Don’t speak unless spoken to, and even then, don’t speak
You stand at an urinal for one purpose, and one purpose only: to piss. You should only have one thing coming out of any orifice on your body at any given time; if one hole is open, the other should be closed. Leave the talking to politicians and woman (or in some unfortunate circumstances: women politicians). Here’s a phrase that will help you remember this rule:
“Hold your peace while you hold your piece.”
Talking while conducting your business at a john is unbecoming of a man. A rule of thumb is not to utter one syllable from the second when the stream starts, until the last drop falls. If you don’t see an obvious problem with talking while going to the bathroom, here’s an elaboration of a few of the possible topics you could discuss, and the problem with each.
Why you shouldn’t talk about it: So you’re holding your penis, standing next to a guy who is also holding his penis, talking about kids. I’ll say this much: If I’m ever standing next to a guy in a public restroom while he’s talking about children, I’m calling the police.
Why you shouldn’t talk about it: What’s so pressing about your job that you have to talk about it while taking a leak? It’s hardly conversation worthy when you’re not standing at a urinal, so what makes you think anyone wants to hear about it with his dick out?
Why you shouldn’t talk about it: Nobody cares.
Topic: Sex Life
Why you shouldn’t talk about it: Talking about your sex life while at a urinal might cause someone to wonder why you were reminded of sex while taking a leak in the first place. Unless you feel comfortable outing yourself as somebody who enjoys being pissed on for sexual gratification, avoid it. Nobody wants to know what gets you off, especially if it involves another person squatting over your mouth.
Topic: Small talk, i.e. “How is it hanging”
Why you shouldn’t talk about it: Anyone who asks “how’s it hanging” doesn’t really want to know how “it’s” hanging, otherwise he could simply take a peek.
Rule #2: No Peeking
Under no circumstance should one ever peek at another guy’s unit while using a urinal. Think of it as visual kryptonite. Just don’t do it – I’ve seen friendships ruined over this. If you happen to catch a glimpse of your friend while he’s doing the deed, there’s nothing to talk about; just pick up your shit and go. Here’s another useful phrase to help you remember this important rule:
“Don’t gawk at the cock.”
You may be thinking “what’s the big deal, it’s just a penis, grow up!” No. You grow up. Think about it: You’re filling your eyes full of photons that bounced of another man’s penis. Those photons carry with them some amount of cock. You wouldn’t fill your eyes full of eye drops that had been bounced off another man’s dick, so why make an exception for quantum packets of light? After the initial feeling of anger and confusion subside, a subject who has witnessed the penis of another man stand at a urinal will soon experience the onset of disenchantment with life. Things that once tasted good will taste bitter, video games will start to suck, and he will eventually develop a taste for women’s literature (Gasp, Han). I can think of a few things I’d like having in my less less than a visual of some guy’s shaft. In fact a short list of these things follows:
- Battery acid
- Trapeze artists
- Rabbit droppings
- Bath water
- Nail filings
This goes on and on and on, I’ll spare you that, but you are not allowed to miss:
This may come as a surprise to some, but which urinal a man chooses when he goes into a restroom makes a world of difference. It’s a well-known fact that using a urinal next to another man when you don’t absolutely need to means you want to have sex with him. If this isn’t your intention, then you must heed the order of the piss priority when you use a john. For example, if a restroom has four stalls and you’re the only person inside the restroom, you must choose the stall furthest from the entrance, next to a wall if possible, giving priority to urinals before toilets. The next man must then choose the next available urinal, keeping one stall in separation between you two at all times. If a third man comes into the restroom while the other two are going he must wait until either stall is no longer in use before he can go, unless it’s a dire emergency, and even then your peers are allowed to assume that you wish to partake in anal sex with another man.
In a worst-case scenario – one in which you are forced to use a urinal next to one that is already occupied – you should always use the stall to the right; never between two guys.
I have read this a long time ago and ever since I noticed the order. The writer is correct in all the times I paid attention to the order.