I have had some disturbing weeks. My wife and daughter said to me that I forgot the most simple things for some time now. They noticed things I talked to them about and forgot about later. I noticed myself to forget more and more at work, so I made a lot more notes to do my job well.
I know that everybody is forgetting things as they grow older, or cannot find the word of a street, or a plant or a name of a co-worker. I know. People kept telling me that. But you are getting scared when that happens all the time. Scared to death. So I went to see my general practitioner and explained to her my situation. And told her there was in these months an increase of things I simply forgot. And she thought is was serious enough to send me to a Geriatrician.
So some three weeks ago I had an appointment in hospital. A day full of neuro-tests, MRI-scan, EEG, interview with neurologists, all scheduled in one day with all planned through the day. My wife had to come as well and fill out forms, and talk to specialists on her own. It was not a pleasant day. It’s very disturbing when you find out you cannot remember as much as you want to, or sometimes don’t remember anything at all.
Everybody has an “angstgegner”, something they fear the most of all. And the opponent I fear the most is loosing my mind in Alzheimer disease. Physical distress is bad enough of course and it’s not that I would particularly like that, but Alzheimer is my deepest fear. When I was 15 years old I helped out in a psychiatric ward. I have seen so many people with Alzheimer and later on in life, experienced it from close what’s it like not to recognize your own family members.
Last week I got the results. It seems the biggest fear once again is fear itself. I feel silly about it, but I was so relieved to find out they couldn’t find any signs of Alzheimer on the scans. It seems I got concentration losses and the things that don’t come in, you can’t reproduce… It seems it’s as simple as that. Anyway, that was such a relief you cannot imagine.
Now I still have things I cannot remember, but I’m not as scared of them as I used to be. It will all come back.